The Number One Killer of Men Under 40 is Themselves
The Biology of Men and Women and the Wisdom to Know the Difference
Recently, I saw a viral video of someone interviewing American women asking them one question, “Do you need a man?” To which all of them, granted it was an edited video, said “No.” And inversely when men were asked the same question vice versa, they all said “Yes.”
I think this fact alone, speaks deeply to the dire need for the modern man to feel loved. Currently the number one killer of men under 40 is themselves. This is a crisis I want to address and bring awareness to, in an array of ways, going back to childhood and relating to hormonal differences and it’s impact with building relationships.
I think it is deeply important for you to keep reading this if you are a woman.
Starting from the time of birth, regardless of the culture the experience for a young boy is likely the same. Fathers often feel a duty to toughen up their sons, because as men we’re expected to be masculine strong protectors and independent providers. But harshness doesn’t build toughness. Sons might learn that sadness, fear, or tenderness are “bad” or “weak.” As adults they may struggle to show vulnerability even in close relationships which causes them to feel emotionally isolated and disconnected. They might even respond by constantly chasing approval just in effort to finally win their father’s approval through achievement. Master Shi Heng Yi recently spoke about his struggles with this on The Diary of a CEO podcast. If father’s are emotionally or physically harsh it can create long-term distrust for other male authority figures like bosses, mentors, or even friends. The fear of failure oftentimes equates with feeling unworthy, rather than just feeling like you’ve made a mistake. I know that feeling well.
Heres a glimpse into my mind: I get on social media and I see younger, smarter, richer, fitter, taller, males everywhere! It irks me. I want to be them. I work incessantly to become like them. But why? For what? Who’s approval am I looking for? I mean my parents have already died and I personally don’t believe in any after-death observational abilities.
“They’re winning!” My mind frustratingly screams at me. “You’re losing!” My mind constantly reminds me. But dare I say, “What is winning?” If I became younger, smarter, richer, fitter, taller, how would my life change? Hmm. I’d feel better about myself because I became rich at a younger age than most, that I’m taller than most, that I’m stronger than most? Ah-ha! You see it now, don’t you? I need to be better than everyone because somehow being better than everyone is going make me feel better about being myself! Read that again. P.S. Despite my awareness, I still have these feelings.
"How much time he gains who does not look to see what his neighbor says, does, or thinks, but only what he does himself, to make it just and holy."
"If you want to be happy, stop thinking about what you lack compared to others and think instead of what you have."
— Marcus Aurelius, Meditations
To a degree, I probably have a lack of self-love. I’m oversimplifying but I do think that’s that most important starting point for myself. Personally I don’t know where it stems from either besides biology. My mom used to tell me I was so smart and handsome and my father used to tell me he was proud of me for my accomplishments. Something Master Shi Heng Yi never once heard, even when his father was on his deathbed. I can’t imagine how my internal dialogues would be if that was the case for me.
Now to dive into the monkey-mind! Biology matters! There’s good evidence testosterone and estrogen shape how we approach relationships and life.
Testosterone:
Increases competitive drive - for status, dominance, achievement.
Makes social interactions feel like hierarchies to navigate. (“Where do I rank?”)
Pushes focus toward goals, winning and independence.
In relationships, men with higher testosterone may subconsciously think:
“Will this relationship help or hurt my strength/status?”
Men often measure success in relationships by performance — providing, protecting, achieving loyalty/respect.
Estrogen:
Enhances empathy — reading emotions, responding to others needs.
Fosters bonding, nurturing, and cooperative behavior.
Focuses attention on relationships and emotional safety.
In relationships, women with higher estrogen may subconsciously think:
“Will this relationship make me feel secure, connected, and emotionally supported?”
Women often measure success in relationships by emotional depth, trust, and feeling cared for.
So it becomes very apparent from a biological standpoint why women feel they don’t need men because they’re more likely to have cultivated meaningful relationships with their friends and family. Whilst we men seek to win and climb the social dominance hierarchy and often value building relationships less but unironically feel ourselves wanting connection even more.
"Don’t concern yourself with being recognized. Strive only to be worthy of recognition."
— Confucius"To become nobody is to become everything."
— Ram Dass, Be Here Now"The way of the sage is not to accumulate glory, but to empty himself."
— Laozi, Tao Te Ching"The true sage, even when he is in obscurity, shines brighter than the most famous man."
— Seneca"He who defines himself does not know who he is."
— Tao Te Ching, Laozi"Lose yourself completely. Return to the root of the root of your own soul."
— Rumi, Sufi mystic