Choose Your Friends Wisely
The Quality of Your Friendships Is More Important Than the Quantity
"The key is to keep company only with people who uplift you, whose presence calls forth your best."
Epictetus
Scroll down and skip to the practical guidelines if you wish.
We’ve all had our fair share of bad friendships. If you’re lucky you’ve removed yourself from them but odds are you haven’t. Regrettably, I still have friends who encourage me to drink alcohol or ask if I want to hit their joint even after I’ve declined several times and opened up about my struggle with sobriety and my immense desire to stay drug and alcohol free. I still have friends that I’ve done countless things for who don’t value my friendship despite my willingness to get in front of harms way for them.
Why do I answer their calls, text, and request? What is so hard about saying no?
What is so hard about ridding myself of them completely? Is it sunk cost fallacy?
Is it my subconscious desire to be loved or accepted by the people who don’t love me? I know consciously, it aches me at the thought of losing them, despite the obvious truth that the version of me living without them is smarter, happier, and healthier.
Buddha taught us that love isn’t attachment because attachment is just dependency.
How can you really love someone fully, if you need them? If you protect what you have with them, because you’re afraid of losing them? They perhaps might even be in love with the version of yourself you’re creating to fit their needs in order to protect your own fear of losing them. I’m sure some of my friends wouldn’t like the version of me which says “No. I’ve had enough. I’ve done enough.” Like an ex-girlfriend that broke up with me the first time I told her “No. I won’t drive an hour to get you and your friend from the club and take y’all home, I’m tired and I’m going to sleep.” You see? She was just in love with the version of me that did everything for her at my expense.
As Seneca stated “He who spares the wicked injures the good.”
Imagine all of the people who are at a time in their life where they need a good friend, whom like you perhaps deserve better relationships, whom cherish everything that you bring to the table, whom have great principles to help keep you grounded, whom teach you things you’d never learn on your own, whom expect more from you when you’re not being your best self, whom live lives of abundance instead of quiet desperation, clinging on to anyone capable of swimming just so they don’t have to experience drowning alone even though oftentimes that’s what they deserve.
Don’t be a sheep who wanders into a wolves den. As Aristotle said “A friend to all is a friend to none.” Choose your friends wisely. Find yourself a shepherd. Become a shepherd. Become unmovable. The world is going in one way and you believe that’s the wrong direction? Go the other way. Represent yourself. Ignore groupthink.
There is no time to save everyone when no one is coming to save you.
I don’t want to give you the answers nor do I think I could even if I wanted too but here are some practical ways you could remove the relationships in your life that aren’t serving you. Despite my admittedly poor execution and proof of concept, I hope they help you with what I’m currently failing to do.
The Marble Jar Method
Take some jars and write your friends names on them
Add a marble to their jar for every positive action and remove a marble for every negative action
Over time it’ll become obvious who’s worthy of keeping around based on the net sums and this will also keep you from angrily unfriending someone on one of their inevitable bad days. If I made an app for this one day comment below if you’d use it.
The Energy Audit
After spending time with someone ask:
Do I feel drained or energized?
Am I more anxious or more at peace?
The Energy Audit is very affective at weeding out the narcissistic personalities because oftentimes they are very charismatic and charming but after walking away feeling drained, guilty, anxious, angry, gaslit etc. after every interaction it should become more apparent.
“5:1 Ratio” Test (from Gottman research)
Healthy relationships typically have 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative.
If the ratio is way off, especially long-term, it’s a sign the relationship isn’t nourishing.
The "Would I choose them today?" Test
If I met this person today, would I still want to get close to them?
Are we still aligned in values, growth, or emotional support?
If not, the connection might be based on past familiarity, not present compatibility.
The Pillars of Friendship Survey
Give a quick 1–10 score in each area.
Trust
Emotional Support
Shared Values
Reliability
Communication
Conflict Recovery Speed
All relationships have conflict, but how quickly do you both repair?
If fights leave lingering resentment, or communication shuts down often, it signals instability.
I’d always get into arguments with one of my closest friends growing up that would lead into us not talking for months. One time it took over a year and eventually it led to neither of us talking to one another ever again. The signs were there.
"If I wasn’t the one reaching out..." Rule
Ask: Would this relationship survive if I stopped initiating?
If the effort is consistently one-sided, the long-term sustainability is questionable.
Timeline Reflection
Have they been there during important milestones?
Do they show up during both crisis and celebration?
If their presence is inconsistent during key life events, that’s revealing.
If you’re anything like me you’ll struggle with the idea of removing others from your life with whom you’ve made the decision long ago to love unconditionally.
I’ll end with this quote I’ve found for us both.
“You don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.”
— Unknown