A Reflection on Gratitude and Regret
Near death be like
I was sitting there having a panic attack tonight, certain of my approaching death, I decided to closed my eyes and smile.
I imagined the universe in all it’s entirety and infiniteness and then I returned to earth and my internal dialogue. I saw myself from outside looking in and I felt immense gratitude for the opportunity to be a consciousness that was activated in an ape-like organism which evolved over the course of hundreds of thousands of years.
Then I felt a sense of regret when I reflected on what I’ve chosen to do with this incredible life which I feel fortunate to have. My internal dialogue went like this:
“I regret not showing kindness to that lady who I was Ubering.”
About 5 years ago I kicked out a lady in my car because I was angry with her, she had obvious mental issues but I wasn’t the least bit sympathetic that day and it still bugs me.
“I regret wasting time doing things that weren’t serving me or the world.“
“I regret not answering the door the last time my mother ever knocked.”
Imagine if I had actually died right there. Imagine. Imagine how many fucking people who’ve died like that. Imagine what you might say to yourself when it’s finally time.
"Let us prepare our minds as if we’d come to the very end of life. Let us postpone nothing. Balance the books of life each day. The one who puts the finishing touches on their life each day is never short of time."
Seneca
This is an important conversation you need to have with yourself.
So incase it isn’t obvious, I survived. And I took the opportunity to reflect on these regrets and my conversation with myself went like this:
“I am thankful for another opportunity to show love and compassion instead of frustration.”
“I am thankful to have more time and opportunities to improve my circumstances and the circumstances of the people I care about.”
“I am thankful to have learned such a hard but valuable lesson with my mother. Life is short so love and forgive because nothing actually matters.”
Life gives us ample opportunity to learn from our grievances.
Gratitude is the greatest tool at our disposal. To make ordinary, extraordinary. I’m not perfect. I’m not trying to become perfect. I’m trying to see that everything is already perfect. As Friedrich Nietzsche famously wrote "My formula for greatness in a human being is Amor Fati: that one wants nothing to be different, not forward, not backward, not in all eternity."
Amor Fati means Love of Fate in Latin.
"When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves."
Viktor E. Frankl